


Star Destroyers:Portland

by DepressedCarrot



Series: Star Destroyers [3]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Comedy, Detective Noir, Drinking, Drug Use, Explicit Language, F/M, Mystery, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:28:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27620690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DepressedCarrot/pseuds/DepressedCarrot
Summary: A couple of years ago Steven, Jenny, Buck and Sour Cream went to Portland to play a show when some interesting events occurred...What happens in Portland stays in Portland...until detective Max Kayori goes on a mission to discover the secrets the band had been hiding this whole time.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Series: Star Destroyers [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1933939
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24





	Star Destroyers:Portland

**Author's Note:**

> Still curious as to what happened to Star Destroyers in Portland? 
> 
> Join Max on her mission to discover the truth!
> 
> Set a few months after The Summer Ends. Probably a month or so after Kill The Director.

It was a Tuesday afternoon in downtown Jayhawk, I had just finished my assignments for the day when I began to work on the _case_ . The clouds were low and the world surrounding me was filled with nothing but black and white. Smooth jazz music slowly trickled from my speakers as a record spun on its turntable. My pinboard was filled to the brim with images of the band in question - _Star Destroyers_. 

I twirled red string around each pin on the board, connecting the ties that bound each section of the mystery together. I understand earlier I mentioned something about the world being black and white so you’re questioning how the string is red, but that’s beside the point. I had a case to solve. If only I knew the truth. 

The truth about Portland…

“Is that a...Max, you can’t smoke a cigar in here!” An irritable voice sounded from behind me, better known as the loveable Connie Maheswaran. A stone-cold Betty in these parts, better known as our college dorm room. 

“I haven’t even lit it!” I moaned in response. She was always on my case, about my cigar, my cereal eating habits and even the one time I left an iron on whilst I went further downtown to a music joint. _Something something_ \- taking responsibility for my actions that could have resulted in unintentional arson. A load of Hooey! 

“What are you doing, anyway?” 

“This? Oh, I’m...solving a mystery.” I pointed dramatically to the pinboard I had created to aid me in my mission. 

“Uh...is that-” Connie stepped closer towards my masterpiece before noticing the image of one of the suspects. “What’s Steven doing on that board? Is that the band?” She continued to squeeze me for answers the same way you would squeeze orange juice. 

“These are suspects to the case I’ve been sent to solve.” I folded over my arms as she took a step closer to see the board that had been positioned on our kitchen table. I knew that she would have commented on my choice of images, for dramatic effect I had-

“Is that a picture of Steven in his underwear?” Connie gasped as she ripped the photo from the pinboard, nearly ruining my collection of red string. 

“Hey! Hey! You can’t tamper with my evidence!” I shook my hands rapidly in front of myself to try and get Connie to stop her pursuit of destroying the hard police work I had spent all afternoon on. 

“Max, what are you doing?”

“I told you - I’m solving a mystery.” I tipped my cool fedora to the fine lady standing before me, she deserved my respect despite her erratic behaviours within my office. 

“I’ve never heard you listen to jazz music before.” 

“People change, Miss Maheswaran. So much so that it can tear them apart from the inside out if you’re not careful. This is why I struggle to come round these parts. You see, I share a dark past with this area...” I carefully leaned against the table, someone like Connie would never understand the pain I faced.

“This is our kitchen. You’re always here!” I watched as she glanced back down at the photograph of the one and only Steven Universe. Better known by an alias of his full name, _Doctor Mayonnaise._

I knew Mr.DeMayo's secrets. I was part of the band! I knew everything...aside from the Portland story. 

The image was captured in the college dorm room a few months back when the heathen refused to stop leaving Connie’s room without pants. How hard was it to pull on a pair of jeans? This world was too dark to be cursed by Steven Universe in his underwear every weekend. I sure as hell didn’t want to see something that I hadn’t signed up for. It was like those _hot singles in your area_ emails, despite never being able to find any hot singles they continued to advertise their cause! It was stupid! 

“Yet every time I’m here I’m stricken with memories I can’t bear to face. Either way...it’s something I’ve had to accustom myself to. Elementary school, my dear Connie.” 

“It’s just _elementary_.” Connie attempted to correct me, thinking that she understood the things I said better than myself. She was wrong. 

“What?”

“Look, nevermind. Are you trying to be Sherlock or pretending this is a crime noir film? I can't tell by your outfit or your accent." Connie spoke in that voice she did when she was confused. I didn't understand why she was confused, regardless of who I was trying to be - my outfit shouted 'sophistication'. My accent shouted 'smooth and sexy'.

"This isn't about what we're saying or wearing, ConCon. This is about a murder."

"A murder? The board says ‘Portland’ in the middle." Connie pointed to what she believed was obvious. 

Connie, oh sweet innocent Connie. She never understood the true complexity of the situation that we were facing. 

"Yeah, well - maybe there was a murder in Portland."

“I thought you weren’t ever going to mention Portland to them ever again?” I could hear Connie sigh, as much as she wanted to believe she was right about me - she was wrong. 

“Detective Kayori only sleeps once the crime gets in bed with her...wait...is that the phrase?”

“N-no…”

I gripped onto the top of my hat, adjusting it slightly as I turned back to face my newfound sidekick and best friend. 

“Crime killer in the streets, crime killer in the sheets because we’re about to fuck this mystery up!” I threw my hands in the air as I made some kind of symbol with my hands. I could tell by the look on Connie’s face that she thought I had no idea what I was doing. Connie was right. 

I didn’t want to give away too much of my crime-solving. I understood that Connie was in a deep relationship with one of the suspects which could have made things...awkward. Although, it did perplex me to find out that she wasn’t fighting me on the subject. 

I did receive an ear-full about us being close to graduation and some of our final exams. Exams didn’t mean squat when there were mysteries to be solved.

Anyway, there was so much ground for us to cover that the best place for me to have conducted my interview was in the one place where I knew none of my suspects could get away. A Star Destroyers show in Nashville, Tennessee. 

The band were in the process of releasing a new album and as excited as I was to hear it being played to the general public, I was a top tier fan and had already heard the dank bops that came from the demo recordings. But that didn’t matter right now, detectives only listened to creepy jazz music - not emo. 

Which was a shame because as a way to keep in character as we travelled to Nashville I forced Connie to listen to eight hours of smooth jazz. I suddenly regretted my decision of putting the hat on before the journey started. 

It didn’t matter. Detectives never slept when they were...on the case. 

Upon arriving at the venue after a long drive and four stops at strange gas stations along the way, I was finally in the vicinity of the people who I had waited all week to question. I had to make sure that they were telling the truth in what they were saying about their time in Oregon. 

“Cool hat, Max.” Buck pointed up at my fantastic clothing accessory. It was the coolest fucking fedora I had ever seen. I liked Buck’s humble opinions on fashion. 

“We’re being sloths!” I shouted at the band to make them blissfully aware that I was onto them, as much as I enjoyed their company - I couldn’t get comfortable with the enemy.

“It’s _sleuths_.” Connie felt the need to correct me once more, despite there being no need to do so. Connie had already gotten more than comfortable with the enemy. As by comfortable, I mean being inside of one another. Loudly. Every weekend. In my dorm room. 

Next time, I’ll be turning up the _jazz_. 

“I don’t think so.” I shook my head. 

Connie didn’t bother to respond to me, suddenly taking one of the many items out of the back of the van to help assist the band. I pouted curiously as I watched her walking over to Steven with a smile...conversing with the enemy once more. Despicable. 

“Whatcha got there?” There was a sudden poke in my back, thankfully from a finger. I turned around and saw Jenny standing behind me with a smile spread across her face. I watched her point downwards towards-

“That’s my ass.” 

“No! This!” Jenny reached downwards as I turned back around to try to see what she was looking at. I had been rather fond of Jenny’s company in the past, although I had grown to realise that despite her being one of the most beautiful human beings on the planet - we wouldn’t work out as friends if we had the benefits on the side. I liked it better this way.

I felt something being removed from my back pocket. There in Jenny’s hand was-

“My magnifying glass!” 

“Why do you need that? Are we turning into ants or something?” Jenny laughed, I appreciated her humour. If they did turn into ants, I would be the first in line for their show. As long as I didn’t accidentally step on them first. 

“No, every good detective needs a magnifying glass!”

“Why? Are the ants murderers?” Jenny giggled. The sort of giggle that followed a snort. Which it did. 

“What? No, there aren't any ants!” I shook my head, completely confused as to why Jenny wouldn’t stop talking about ants. 

“So, what mystery are you trying to solve?” She asked, finally taking some kind of interest in my cause as she held the magnifying glass to her eye. It was rather humorous watching her eye distort through the glass. I tried my hardest not to laugh as I cleared my throat. 

“Well, for a start - I’m going to have to ask you some questions. I think you might be a suspect in this case.” I reached into my other back pocket for my notepad. I wanted to use some of my other pockets, but detectives only ever used their back pockets or inner side pockets of their jackets.

I should have forked out the forty bucks for the trench coat at that thrift store…

“I am? Is this about the weed thing?” Jenny gave me a strange expression, folding over her arms. 

“What weed- y’know what? Nevermind. No, it’s not about that. I might need you to sit down.” I held out my arm, instructing for her to sit on the edge of the back of the van with its doors opened wide. 

“Okay, whatever you say, Maxxie-moo!” Jenny shrugged, I wanted to tell her how much I disliked the nickname coming from anyone’s lips that were not hers or my father’s. If any of my brothers said that shit, I’d rip them limb from limb. 

Anyway.

I made sure to sit comfortably beside Jenny in the back of the van. We could have quite easily have climbed inside and sat on actual seats, but after knowing that Steven had boned in that back of it on multiple occasions - I had the compulsion to look for stains. I wish I didn’t. 

“So, I need to know what happened in Portland.” I immediately stated. It was best to rip the band-aid off straight away. 

“Portland? Why do you want to know about that? It’s so stupid!” I sat and listened to Jenny chuckle. I was struggling to tell if what she was saying was sarcastic or not. 

“I think it’s about time you all told the truth about it. It’s a secret that’s haunted you all for too long.” I explained my reasoning behind my investigation. Not that I needed one. 

“Oh, I mean...the guys are still pretty torn up about it. What a crazy night…” I watched as Jenny looked up and reminisced.

“So, are you going to tell me what happened?” I pushed, like an impatient Karen would push a shopping cart into someone at Walmart.

“Sure, it ain’t that deep.” Jenny snorted. 

This was the moment. This was the moment that I was finally going to have been able to unlock deep Star Destroyers lore. I mean, solve a mystery! 

I flipped over the notepad and clicked the top of my pen that I had stolen from a furniture store that I hadn’t purchased any furniture in. It was finally time that I heard the Portland story. 

“I’m ready.” I confirmed. Jenny took a deep breath, ready to retell the story. 

“Uh, the night’s still a little bit of a blur - but I remember we were at a theme park some point during the day. I remember it being light outside. I think. Everything seemed bright that day.” Jenny crossed over her legs. 

“You _think_?” If I was going to be compiling a case, I needed hard evidence. Fact was the only thing that was going to swing with my boss. The chief of police - Stephen Space-Wolf. 

“We went on a child’s ladybug rollercoaster, Buck was pretty sick. Uhh...I think I got some cotton candy and ice cream?” Jenny began to recount her memories on her fingers. 

It just didn’t add up. Why was everyone so sensitive about going to a theme park? They spoke a lot about snowflakes, but it was sounding like these guys were just...rain. 

“Wait. What’s so bad about that? I don’t understand.” I couldn’t leave my investigation unfinished. I hadn’t even written anything inside of my notepad. Stephen would be pissed. 

“Well...we may have...sort of...the boys just overreact a lot because they’re big babies.” Jenny laughed, casually throwing the rest of the band under the bus for being wimps. They sure had made a big fuss of the Portland story if that was it. 

“Overreact?”

“We saw Steven’s butt that night.” 

“What.” I blinked rapidly, like that meme of that one dude. Usually featured in a GIF. Y’know the one I’m talking about. Right?

“Oh yeah, everyone saw it. Pretty certain it was...on the rollercoaster. Yeah!” Jenny wiggled her finger in the air as she came to remember the story. 

“You...saw his butt...on a rollercoaster?” I was no rollercoaster scientist - but I was sure that wasn’t how rollercoasters worked. Didn’t you have to be sitting down? 

“You might have to ask the guys to clear it up for you, but that’s about all I remember. I just know it was hella embarrassing and I saw things that day that I never want to see again.” Jenny shook her head with a smile before standing up and clapping her hands together. 

I quickly scribbled in the notepad. 

_Steven’s butt?_

I couldn’t let this be the end of the story. There was no way that the reason why they had gotten so worked up about Portland was that they had seen Steven’s ass crack. Even I had seen Steven’s ass crack above his boxers, as traumatic as it was - I had never made that big of a deal out of it. 

“Is there something you’re not telling me?” I gently tapped the pen against my bottom lip as I squinted up at Jenny. 

“I’m telling you all I remember, girl. Ask the guys, you might get something more out of them. I’ve got some stuff to set up before the show. Catch you later, Max!” Jenny waved. 

“Later, JenJen.” I waved back before staring back down at the notepad. 

Nothing. I had nothing but Steven’s...butt. I couldn’t do anything with that. Not that I would want to. Connie would have been better suited to that kind of mission. 

I had to try my hardest to question the rest of the band within the space of time before the show. It was a short space of time, but we were not in space - it was going to be okay. I had to make sure to keep my wits about myself and hit down hard on the next person that I went to interview. 

I made my way back into the venue, immediately hit with the usual sticky floors, my large black boots barely struggled on the flooring. They constantly claimed that they were oil-resistant, but I’m thinking that they were pretty good for a mixture of built-up alcohol and body fluids that had stuck to the flooring over the years. Someone really should have cleaned that shit. 

The first person that I saw when I entered the venue was Buck. He was sitting on the edge of the stage sipping on what looked to have been a cheap brand of beer. Disgusting. 

I strolled over to him with a twist in my step, the key to interacting with Buck was to act as cool as humanly possible. As long as you could do that - the world was your lobster? 

“Sup, Bucky - the winter soldier of my heart.” I winked as I threw him some very impressive finger guns. 

“Huh?” The beer bottle popped off his lips as he turned to face me, immediately struck by my attention. 

“Nevermind. I’m here to ask you some questions.” I climbed up onto the stage beside him, sitting on the edge and looking out at the venue that would have eventually been filled to the brim with people from all walks of life. Mostly sad emo boys. 

“Do you have another paper? I'd be cool with another questionnaire.” Buck shrugged, he was always willing to help me out when it came to my college work. Admittedly, I didn’t always need it - but he was a lot more help than Sour Cream.

“I’m here to ask you about Portland.” I spat out my question as soon as I could, the last thing I wanted to do was to give him enough time to sprint out of the building. 

Buck’s lips plucked apart slightly at the words. He certainly hadn’t expected me to have asked the question. 

“Portland?”

“I want to know what happened that freaks you all out so much!” I furrowed my eyebrows as I took out my notepad and pen once more and kicked my feet back and forth against the stage as I awaited an answer. 

“Woah. That’s pretty personal.” Buck looked away from me. 

“Jenny told me. I just need confirmation.” I continued to dig like a person who dug graves would dig or something. I’m running out of these analogies, I might have to start looking online for comedic suggestions. 

“She did? Well…” I had caught Buck out. He had to tell me something about the day that they had spent in Portland. 

“Patient doctor confidentiality.” I confirmed. 

Buck took a deep breath as he placed the beer bottle down on the stage behind him. I secretly hoped that he wouldn’t have knocked it over on any of the wires that were around. That would have been a disaster! 

“All I remember of that fateful day was being stuck inside of the gates with the goats. They showed no remorse for any of us. Savages that chose nothing more than to chew at our clothing and torment us-”

“What the fuck-”

“What?” Buck looked towards me, despite him wearing sunglasses I could tell that he had some kind of disappointment behind his eyes. 

“There were goats at a theme park?” I tapped my pen against the paper, I really wanted to write something down but nobody seemed to have been giving me any kind of information that I could use to piece everything together. 

“What theme park?” Buck gave me an instant look of confusion. 

This was the emotional equivalent of someone jamming a stick into the wheels of my bicycle. I was going headfirst over the handlebars. Now that I was beginning to build on two of the stories, it seemed as if one of them was lying about what they had done that day. Did they go to a theme park or were they stuck in a petting zoo? 

Either way, I had to make sure that I was getting my facts straight. 

“Let’s continue. You say you were...stuck? With goats?”

“Yes. One of the worst days of my life. I was tackled to the floor by one of the horned beasts. As much as I enjoyed petting the animals, it came to a point where we had no choice but to try and leave. They refused. It was us against the goats. A battle of wit and skill.” Buck adjusted his sunglasses. 

“Then what? You turned into the _Karate Kid_?” I suddenly had the vision of Buck beating off a hoard of savage goats inside of my mind. I wished for that vision to pass. I continued to think of it. It was now embedded inside of my mind as an intrusive thought. Fuck. 

“I wish I could have defended us, I had failed to be a good friend and band member that day. I had let them all down. Especially Steven…” Buck looked away when he mentioned Steven’s name. A recurring theme between both of the interviewees. 

“Why Steven?” I glanced down at my notes. Was this related to his _butt_?

“I couldn’t help him. He was too far gone when it thrashed him to the floor and began to eat his pants.” 

“Woah, I’m going to have to stop you there. What in the actual _fuck_?” My eyes widened at his words. There was no way that I was hearing what I was hearing. 

If it weren't for my absolutely perfect professionalism as a detective then I would have been lying on the floor cackling at the idea of Steven being assaulted by a goat. I knew that I would have laughed furiously about it later. 

“You wanted the truth. Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow.” Buck took a deep breath. 

“So, that’s it? Swallowing is hard? I’m not judging, but I thought you could provide me with something a little less vulgar.”

“Then we saw his butt.” 

“There’s no way. Stop it. This stupid story isn’t about his ass! I refuse to believe it.” I immediately stood up, feeling incredibly unhappy with my findings. Buck was no help either! 

“Sometimes it’s hard to accept the truth.” The man shook his head dramatically. 

I looked back up at him in shock before glancing back down at my notepad. The singular note inside of my pad could remain. Although, I really wish it hadn’t. 

There were contradicting stories, except both of them ended with the same god awful conclusion. 

Butt. 

This case was going to be a hard one to _crack_. 

No, I do not regret that pun. Fuck you. 

I decided that my new port of call would have to be the person that seemed to have brought up the fateful day the most - Sour Cream. I quickly waved goodbye to Buck, hoping that I hadn’t upset him too much about the goats. It was probably going to stick with him for a while. 

I made my way backstage where I hoped to find Sour Cream, the one guy I knew wouldn’t lie to me no matter what. He had always been incredibly honest with me from day one. He had even introduced me to the zips on the bottom of his shorts that meant he could convert his shorts into pants. I thought that was hella cool and proved how trustworthy he was as a person. 

That and the fact that he grows his own weed and gave me a bunch. 

That was...mostly...I really liked Sour Cream. What a guy! 

“Yo, SC!” 

“What’s kickin’, Max?” Sour Cream asked as he removed his headphones from over his ears and placed them around his neck, giving me his full attention. 

He was sitting in one of the rooms at the back of the venue on his laptop, more than likely making beats online to make some cash. The reality was that he was balling in his career when it came to the rap beats he sold to people who couldn’t rap. I heard from Buck that he sent a lot of money back home for his Mom, which my cold dead heart found somewhat sweet. After his brother went missing years ago, things had been tough for them all. 

Sour Cream had his own ways of coping. 

I didn’t even have to step inside of the room before I could smell all of the weed that he had been smoking. He always stated that it got him into his creative flow. I respected that. I usually found it pretty helpful for studying and...ridding myself of my internal demons. 

“Oh, nothing much. Just solving a mystery - was wondering if you could give me a hand?” I made my way over to the couch that he was sitting on before flopping myself down beside him. 

“Sure thing, man. What’s happening?”

“I’m trying to figure out what happened in Portland.” 

I looked over at Sour Cream to gauge his reaction, watching him turn paler than he already was. He was either anaemic or Edward Cullen. I was yet to decide on his true form. Either way, I knew that he was SHOOK. 

“Uhhh…” 

“You can admit what happened. Buck and Jenny have already given it up.” I attempted to use a new technique to coax the information out of him. If he knew that both of his best friends had already told the true story, then he had nowhere else to hide. 

“Really? Well...it’s pretty crazy. I don’t think you’d want to hear it.” 

“Uh, trust me - I do.” I just wanted something to go by that wasn’t related to Steven’s posterior. Connie was going to get an earful about this shit. I was so fed up! 

Being a detective was ass! 

Ugh, I probably shouldn’t have even used that phrase. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever been to a store quite like it…” Sour Cream began the start of his story. 

“A store?” 

These idiots. These fucking idiots. Nobody was telling the truth. There was no way of joining up their stories. 

“All I remember was there was this girl…” Sour Cream stared ahead, gripping onto his headphones for some kind of comfort. 

“A girl!?” I was excited to hear there wasn’t something that involved a rollercoaster or goats. 

“I remember her being really mean. We were inside of this store with loads of furniture. It was like a store where you brought...rooms! Yeah! I was sure that I was at home when I crawled into one of those beds. Then...there were all these people inside of my room!” Sour Cream shook his head as he relived the memory. 

“That’s...really intense.” I felt some kind of guilt for him at that moment, the look spread across his face was enough for me to want to hug him. That was - if I was emotionally capable of hugging other humans without great mental force. 

“I didn’t know where I was and the band was there too! Everyone was in my room, man.”

“Can you tell me more about...the girl?” I was curious to know more about the only character in the story that wasn’t the band...or a goat for that matter. 

“Yeah! As I said, she was really mean, man. She dragged me out of bed and got mad at us all for using the rooms. I think she was just mad that we didn’t follow the arrows on the floor around the store.” Sour Cream’s expression dropped. 

“Hold the fucking phone - you were in _Ikea_!?!?!” My voice cracked in shock. These people were leading me into an early grave. 

“It was a giant store with...oh...then there was the incident-”

“The incident?” 

“With Steven…”

“For fucks sake…” I groaned, if this was going to be about his ass I was more than ready to throw hands. I couldn’t quite seem to comprehend the reliability of any of the stories that they had told me. None of them was able to hold up as something that I believed. 

“We were on the escalator and we all saw-”

“Steven’s butt?”

“Were you there?” Sour Cream gasped. 

“No...I wasn’t - thank Jesus.” 

“Thanks Jesus.”

“N-no...whatever. Sure.” I pinched the bridge of my nose in sheer frustration with the stupidity that I had been burdened with. 

My first case on the job and that bastard Stephen Space-Wolf had to be the one to put me on one of the worst cases imaginable. If I knew I would have to hear about Steven’s ass every five minutes then I wouldn’t have taken the job. Although, I had to do whatever it took to make sure I put food on the table for my family. 

No matter the cost. 

With all of the evidence that I had gathered, I wasn’t quite sure if I could have concluded what truly happened in Portland. Even when it came to knowing and understanding that Steven’s butt was mentioned in every story - there was no true meaning behind each of the stories. 

None of them connected. None of them made sense.

I had to dig deeper. I had to question the source and frontman of the band himself - Steven Universe. 

I made my way around the venue, attempting to find Steven - wherever it may have been that he was hiding. I knew that he was inside the venue somewhere, it was just the case of seeing if I could find him. 

Eventually, I went back outside to see if I could find him. Despite Steven being good as gold now when it came to his smoking habits, I never really believed it. That dude used to smoke more than a chimney and suddenly he stopped because he fell in love? I never believed that shit for a second. 

Sneaking around the back of the venue was pretty creepy, I was a little terrified that a demon may have snuck around the corner at any moment and ended my short miserable life. Thankfully, I was safe. 

Except, I wasn’t safe for long! I had heard some noises behind the parked van at the side of the venue - the band’s van. 

It was more than likely a raccoon, but my curiosity got the better of me. Even if it was a raccoon, I wanted to see it! Although, if it was a raccoon and it jumped on my face and gave me rabies, I armed myself with a pen just in case that did occur. I really hoped that it didn’t. There was a possibility I was about to find my new career in raccoon taming! 

I immediately jumped around the corner of the van with the pen held above my head, ready to attack if the moment called for it. 

“Ah-hah!” I made sure to keep myself armed as I checked out the site in front of me. They were lucky that I hadn’t eaten anything yet. “Oh god, what did I do to deserve this?” 

“Max!” Steven squeaked as he removed his hands from Connie, no longer pushing her against the side of the van as he kissed her or something. I didn’t know what the fuck they did with their mouths. I didn’t want to know. 

“Max!” Connie repeated Steven’s words.

“Connie Maheswaran, making friends with the enemy! You’re no partner of mine.” I shook my head whilst folding over my arms, watching as the couple stepped away from one another. 

“We’re dating, Max.” Connie buried her head into her hand for some reason. 

“Seems pretty suspicious.” 

“Is this...is this a roommate thing?” Steven pointed at us both, only wanting to step out of the conversation. He wasn’t going to be allowed to go anywhere! Not under my ruling. 

“This is a _Max_ thing.” Connie sighed. 

“Crime doesn’t stop for anyone, Connie.” I shook my head, hoping that she would understand the amount of duty I had to help keep Nashville and the surrounding areas safe. This was my job now. My life. 

“Why are you here?” Her words came off as somewhat rude, but it was most certainly the frustrated Connie voice that I was more than used to. 

I pointed my pen towards the man in question. 

“To interrogate Steven!”

“Me?” Steven yelped as he touched his chest. I knew that he would have much preferred to have been making out with Connie. Disgusting heathens. 

“Max! You can’t be serious.” Connie wasn’t impressed with me, but she had no idea how serious it was. This case had to be solved!

“I’m super serious! I’m wearing the super-serious hat, am I not? I’m calling an emergency meeting!” I raised my voice, wanting nothing more than to conclude with sheer fact. That was all that was needed. 

Fact! 

“I’m...so sorry.” Connie touched Steven’s chest as if to apologise for my behaviour. Bullshit, Steven should have been the one apologising for the way that he had acted in Portland. For the murder! For the _butt_!

It would have been a revelation for everyone to have finally found out the truth about the thing that had seemed to have haunted them for a little too long. 

“You’ll be sorry if you’re a part of this!” I nodded at Connie, wanting nothing more than to make her aware of the consequences that could come from helping out the enemy.

It took me a little bit longer than I had expected to gather everyone in the back room - but I finally managed to do it! Holding an emergency meeting with the entire band was the only way that I was going to have been able to get to the _bottom_ of the Portland incident. The only way that everyone was finally going to have been accountable for the truth. 

I had sat everyone down in front of me on the couch in the back of the venue as I stood before them all, ready to allow them all to plead their cases for the truth. One way or another I was going to find out what happened in Portland! 

“It had been a tough day, like getting blood from a stone as I scaled my way throughout the venue. Interviewing each of them had been-”

“Who are you talking to?” Sour Cream questioned as I immediately turned around, looking down at them all staring back at me from the couch. 

Shit. Did I say all of that out loud? 

I did…

“Well, regardless - I’ve gathered you all here today to discuss something that’s been on our mind for a long time. Portland.” I touched my fingertips together as I spoke to them. The couch wasn’t big enough for them all, so they all practically had to sit on top of one another. 

“Has it?” Jenny squinted towards me as if what I was talking about wasn’t an incredibly serious topic. 

“I’ve got answers and you’ve got the questions!” I barked at them, wanting to get my point across. 

“Don’t you mean-” Jenny tried her best to correct me.

“Shut up, man. I’m wearing the hat!” 

“Okay, sure sure.” 

“Anyway, it’s come to my attention that you all seem to have different stories on the subject which is incredibly suspicious! Steven is the only one who is yet to tell me his side of the story, but my ears are open to listening to whoever has to plead their case! I’m getting to the bottom of this regardless of how long we stay in here.” I pointed towards each of them. 

“The doors open in thirty minutes.” Steven informed me as he looked down at his phone to check the time. 

“Oh. Well, I’ll only keep you for thirty minutes at the most then.” I assured. As important as the case was, we could have resumed it after the show. They certainly couldn’t miss the show and admittedly, I was also super excited to hear some of their new songs live. 

“Sounds good.” Buck assured me. Man, Buck was super cool. 

“Right, so as far as I’m aware we have three stories - unless Steven has something different to account for. The interviews I conducted have been concluded with the following results…” I licked the tip of my finger as I opened up my notepad. There were only two words on the page, but I was going to ignore that. Nobody needed to know. “Jenny, your story involved going to a theme park and riding a rollercoaster. Buck, your story included being savagely attacked by goats. Sour Cream, your story was about...Ikea…” I cocked an eyebrow as I stared down at the notepad before looking back at them all. 

Buck snorted slightly at the collection of stories, followed by a loud cackle from Jenny, a weird noise from Sour Cream and a consistent giggle from Steven. They all looked at one another and began to laugh even harder. 

“Oh my god! I completely forgot about the goats!” Jenny howled, it seemed as if she was replaying some of the memories that she had forgotten about their time together. 

“Wait! You remember the goats?” I gasped in shock as I pointed towards Jenny. If Jenny remembered the goats then it was more than likely that the goat story Buck told was pretty near to the truth! 

“I remember that really nice bed in that huge furniture store! I want to go there again!” Steven laughed, for some reason getting overly excited by the Swedish retailer. 

“That rollercoaster was gnarly!” Buck commented. 

All of the stories - they connected! There was something to string each of them together and they all seemed to have remembered! 

“Wait! Wait! Wait! You all remember bits of each other’s stories?” I flipped over my notepad. There was no need for it anymore as I bridged closer and closer to the truth about Portland. 

“Well, it all happened on the same day!” Steven spoke through his laughter. 

What. 

All of the stories happened on the same day?

“You did all of that shit in _one_ day?” 

“It was a long day, man.” Sour Cream sighed, running his fingers through his hair. 

I couldn’t quite comprehend what they were all trying to tell me. There was no way that all of the stories that they had told me connected to become one. How was it even possible that they had done all of those things in one day? It didn’t even seem feasible! I didn’t quite believe any of the bullshit that they were all trying to feed me. They had to do better. 

“So, can someone clear this up for me? One of you has to remember the whole day!” I frustratedly pushed my hands out in front of me, completely upset with the conclusion that they were drawing up about Portland. It wasn’t what I had expected. 

Connie sat on the edge of the couch and shrugged towards me. Did she know about the story? Had she known this entire time? 

“I remember it pretty well - it was kind of my fault.” Steven snorted, it was nice that they could have laughed about whatever it was that had happened that day. It was a shame that they weren’t willing to share it with their best friend, Max!

Just get to the point! 

“It’s about a girl, isn’t it?” I made an educated guess, stories always seemed to have something to do with Steven and some kind of girl that he was trying to hook up with. At least, that’s what a few news articles that I hoped Connie hadn’t seen had said about him a couple of years ago. Sure, I followed that shit. 

“Uh...a little bit.” Steven scratched the back of his neck and flushed a shade of red, looking over at Connie as if he was asking permission to retell the story. 

She must have known…

“Let’s just say...I don’t think I’ve ever been as high in my life as I was that day.” Sour Cream made a statement that was hard to believe. If it was the highest he had ever been...Portland must have been bad. 

“It never ended…” Jenny cupped her hands over her eyes. 

“It was like we were trapped within our own mental prisons” Buck pressed his finger against his temple. 

“Max...it was horrible. I’ve never felt like that in my entire life.” Steven looked straight towards me and gave me a scary-looking deadpan expression. 

I grabbed the creaky looking chair from the corner of the room and sat it in front of the table, sitting down on it backwards and leaning my elbows against the back as I stared at them. 

“Tell me the story!” I insisted. 

“Okay, okay! It’s...really stupid.” Steven laughed again, I could tell that he was embarrassed. 

“I don’t care if it’s stupid, dude. I want to hear it!” I insisted once more, growing more and more impatient. 

“Just tell her.” Connie groaned, finally on my side. She did know!!! She knew this whole time! Connie knew the Portland story!

Why didn’t she tell me? Why couldn’t I have known? I even brought a fedora for this shit! 

Steven readjusted himself on the couch before beginning to tell the story. 

“So, we had just played this show in Portland. It was a lot of fun and like most shows at the time...I had a couple of fans approach me and ask if they could hang out with us. After this, we never really accepted anyone who _asked_. Which is why when we met you and Connie - we were the ones who asked you! So, we invited these girls to the back of the venue and they offered us a lot. Mostly drugs and there was one who…”

“You fucking boned the chick, right?” I sighed, knowing Steven a little too well after the amount of time that we had spent together. 

“I-I, that’s beside-”

“That’s a pretty big part of the story.” Jenny added, backing me up. 

I watched as Steven gave Connie one of the guiltiest looks I had ever seen a man give a woman. Knowing Connie, she was already pretty pissed about hearing the story in the past. Although, also knowing Connie she was just happy to know that this was a couple of years ago back when she had no idea that Steven Universe existed. It didn’t make it much better, but I knew it hurt her a little less. 

“Uh...yes, but we’ll skip that part. It’s not _that_ important.” Steven scoffed, making sure that he didn’t have to say more than he wanted to. 

“Okay, so you got to business with this girl whilst everyone else was hanging out in the venue?” I was tempted to pull out my notepad and jot some things down, but there was no point. I was going to remember the retelling of this story for the rest of my life. 

“Yes, something like that.” Steven blushed, trying his hardest to move on from that section of the story. “Anyway, we come back and notice that everyone is still chilling and having fun. I’d completely missed out on the part in which these three had taken pills, but apparently, it’s my fault because I was the one that invited them all to party.” Steven sighed. 

“That’s because you wanted to-” Sour Cream began, immediately being cut off by Steven. 

“So! I come back and I’m immediately offered a beer, which I take and drink. There was nothing different from any other night of any other show that we had played. It didn’t even feel as if anything felt...off. Yet, within a few hours - we were on the biggest bender I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.” 

“I think they laced the weed with LSD.” Buck rubbed his forehead. 

“No way, dude. That shit was in our drinks!” Sour Cream shook his head rapidly, raising his point. There were a lot of different ways that they could have been drugged. None of them was good. 

“I think they drugged us twice. There ain’t no way we stayed tripped up for that long! They got us again in the morning before those bitches took our shit!” Jenny added. 

“How are we not dead?” Sour Cream looked past me with vacant eyes. 

“I...don’t know.” Buck instantly matched his expression. 

“Wait! They took your things?” I gasped, realising what Jenny had said. Perhaps it wasn’t the band I should have been investigating. Maybe it should have been whoever it was that had taken their things that night. 

“We all got our phones and wallets stolen whilst we were tripping out. I didn’t realise how expensive it was to get all your cards replaced...not to mention all of the loyalty cards I had. I was one more coffee away from a free cupcake!” Steven mumbled, still upset about what he had missed out on a couple of years ago. I watched him clench his fists together in frustration with the memory. 

“Man, that’s a real bummer…” I pouted, suddenly feeling some kind of sympathy for the story that they were telling. 

“None of that mattered, not after the sun came up…” Buck continued to stare forward as he spoke in a monotone voice. The standard. 

Steven looked down at Buck with a sad expression. It felt as if there was some kind of tension within the room when it came to all of the stories blending into one. I may have been the one to finally crack the Star Destroyers code, but everything that had happened to them throughout the day seemed to have blurred together into one. 

“We were staying in some horrible little motel and had actually managed to get back there in the morning when things started to slow down before we made our way back into Portland for the rest of our day where everything kicked in again. It didn’t help that we kept adding to the problem by smoking.” Steven chewed his bottom lip, Connie folded over her arms and gave her boyfriend an interesting look as he continued to retell the story. 

She probably thought that his past self was an idiot. If that was the conclusion that she had drawn - she was correct. 

“That seemed like a _you_ problem.” I commented as I pointed towards Steven. If they had taken what sounded like LSD, followed by something that they weren’t even sure of and then continued to drink and smoke pot. Yeah, that was on them. They were stupid. 

Even I knew never to get cross-faded and then follow that shit up with more cross-fading. As a professional party-goer, whatever these guys did to themselves in Portland was because of mistakes that they had created for themselves. It was nobody else’s fault. 

“Yeah...I remember us going to a theme park pretty early on during the day. Now that I’m thinking back on it - I have no idea how we got in.” Steven pondered on the thought for a moment. If their wallets and phones had been stolen it was likely they wouldn’t have any money. 

How the hell did they manage to ride a rollercoaster?

“We didn’t have any money.” Jenny was also a little bit confused by the looks of it, wondering where the hell they had gone that would have let all of them on something like a rollercoaster without money. Also...they were completely shit-faced. Who let them on a ride? 

“I think...wasn’t it a fair?” Buck looked over at them all. 

It must have been the only time that they had truly gone back and thought about the memories that they held with one another. The only time that they had thought back on Portland. Throughout the tour that Connie and I went on with them, they always seemed to have been cracking the joke regarding the location. 

Why did they not know what happened there? 

I had been convinced this whole time that it was a sex thing with Steven. I was still a little unconvinced that it wasn’t. There was no evidence pointing me away from that conclusion. 

“A fair? Why would we go to a fair?” Jenny looked more confused than what I imagined her expression to have been like on the day. 

“We were high out of our minds. There was no reason for anything.” Sour Cream made them all aware. 

I suddenly began to connect all of the pieces inside of my mind slightly more. This story was getting a little more interesting.

“If you were at a fair, that would mean that there would be a reason behind the goats! That makes sense!” I butted in, making sure that I was heard. If I had started to connect the dots, I was hoping that they had to. I was hoping for this story in _full_! 

“Not the goats…” Buck looked away. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned them. 

“After we went on the rollercoaster, I remember Jenny being really sick.” Steven gave Jenny a look of concern. I imagined at the time, Steven would have done everything he possibly could to help Jenny in his disillusioned state.

It probably wouldn’t have turned out well for him. I knew what Jenny was like once she was upset with herself when she had too much to drink and a little too much of the good stuff. It wasn’t so good when you were puking rainbows at the side of a road though. Although, Steven was the kind of guy who would hold anyone’s hair back for them. He was just...kind like that. 

“I wasn’t sick. Buck was sick!” Jenny shook her head, denying the claim. 

“Buck was sick in the toilet.” Sour Cream added onto the story. 

“That wasn’t a real toilet. It was a display in _Ikea_.” Steven groaned, being unfortunate to have to relive the memory. “Jenny puked too though, just at the...fair?”

I did this to them. I caused this pain. As much as I wanted to feel bad for the way that I was trying to make them relive one of the worst days that they’ve ever had on tour, I couldn’t. They knew that they needed to have this. 

It was something about team bonding or some shit. I’d taken a course about it in college once. I don’t remember much, but if I did - I’m sure this was the kind of lesson that was being taught inside of it. 

“I don’t remember that.” Jenny folded over her arms, probably a little embarrassed to admit that she had been the one to puke. Sure, in her story she had expressed that Buck was the one to puke. Despite that strictly not being untrue, the truth did not match the location within the story that she had told me earlier during the night. 

“I know that we spent a lot of time at the fair because I remember being inside of the petting zoo for longer than anyone else.” As Steven spoke I noticed his hand travel over to meet Connie’s hand. ConCon sat comfortably listening along to the story. She didn’t have much to input, despite me still being suspicious about her behaviour. 

Her lack of reactions told me that she had already heard this story or at least part of it. Otherwise, she would have been losing her shit just as much as I was. 

“Aw, Steven! Do you remember the rabbits?” Jenny asked, finally happy with a memory that she had discovered within her mind. It was a lot better than the other ones that she had dug out. 

“They were so soft and small and squidgy and-”

“The goats ripped me limb from limb.” Buck spoke, immediately cutting off Steven’s love for the rabbits that I could have only imagined they spent hours petting. 

“Dude, enough with the goats. It wasn’t even that bad.” Sour Cream scoffed. 

“Bro, you didn’t see what I saw. Teeth. Horns. The eyes of demons. Gnawing on my shirt as I stared up at the sky. I was incapacitated, unable to move. They were surrounding me.” Buck chewed his bottom lip, getting out sentence after sentence. 

As much as I wanted to comment on how he had described the goats, I kept my mouth shut. That was probably one of the most hilarious things that had come out of that man’s mouth, but I had to try and make sure that I was sticking to my professional nature. I adjusted the fedora on the top of my head and continued to listen to them retell the story of Portland. 

“Well, the rabbits were cute as heck and that’s all that I remember.” Jenny shrugged as she crossed her legs. 

“So, you just stayed at the petting zoo for hours whilst you were zoinked out of your minds?” I tapped my temple as I leaned on the back of the chair, interested to know where the story would go next. 

“Well...yeah.” It looked as if Steven wasn’t quite sure what else to say on the topic. It was clear that he had no idea what he was talking about. I didn’t doubt the authenticity of the storytelling in the slightest. 

There was no way that they _didn’t_ stay inside the petting zoo for hours when they could have easily gone somewhere else. It was just the sort of thing that they did. The sort of energy that Star Destroyers as a band brought to the table. I didn’t want to fuck with that kind of energy - but I also totally did. 

They were hella cool. Even if they were complete idiots when they were higher than a satellite. 

“We went to the store afterwards!” Sour Cream didn’t want us to miss out on what he believed was the most important part of the story. 

After already establishing that the store was the place where Buck was sick, it would have been nice to connect the rest of the puzzle pieces so that it wasn’t so blurred within their memories. There were a lot of mental barriers that they had to get through before they could finally tell me everything that they had experienced that day. 

“Then, somehow - we ended up in _Ikea_. I have no idea how we got there or why we decided to go there, but the next memory I have of that day is being kicked out of the bedroom department. Firstly, we were asked to leave because we weren’t following the rules. Secondly, Sour Cream fell asleep in one of the beds. Thirdly, Jenny accidentally knocked over a stack of catalogues. Then-” 

“Then you fell down the escalator.” Jenny laughed, causing me to laugh at how Steven was telling the story too. What a dork. 

Even Connie began to laugh at Steven’s past misfortune, which was frankly hilarious in my humble professional opinion. 

“You didn’t tell me that part!” Connie sniggered as she gently nudged Steven who was going a little red from the revelation of the incident.

She knew! I knew that she knew and didn’t tell me! Connie knew about Portland all along! Here I was, going on a wild goose chase to try and figure out what happened when Connie had the answers all along? 

“Ah-hah! So you do know the Portland story!” I stood up as dramatically as possible, pointing towards Connie with a straight finger. 

“Steven told me...not too long ago actually.” Connie attempted to stop herself from laughing, I could only presume she was still giggling over the fact that Steven had fallen down an escalator. 

To be fair, the image of it in my mind was hilarious. 

“Oh. Well...that’s no fun.” I sighed, sitting back down on the chair and feeling a little bummed out about the discovery. 

Sure, it was cool that Steven and Connie were super close that they could share everything - even embarrassing stories. Although, it was a little upsetting for me to find out that everyone knew about the hilarious story apart from me. Nobody _had_ to tell me, but it would have been nice to understand the jokes that came out of it. 

I didn’t want to feel childish or ridiculous for putting up my act - it was only supposed to have been a bit of fun to have solved the mystery. It would have been even more fun if Connie had decided that she would play along with another one of my eccentric schemes. Sure, they were stupid - but sometimes you just had to let your inner kid out, right? 

“I’m sure Steven will continue the story for you.” I glanced over to Connie as she spoke, she was gripping onto Steven’s hand and tapping on the top gently as to coax him into accepting her request. 

“Yeah Steven, tell us more about the escalator.” Jenny sniggered as Steven shot her a harsh stare. 

“Uh, Max...I would tell you more - but there isn’t any more! That’s all there is.” Steven dipped his eyebrows, giving me a somewhat disappointed expression. 

“Uh, no it’s not.” Connie shook her head. She knew the _full_ Portland story and was going to make sure that I knew it too. 

Connie always had my back on these things. 

After all of the evidence that I had gathered, there was still one thing that they were failing to mention about the whole experience. The one thing that every single person had brought up throughout their interviews. 

I pulled out my notepad and flipped through the pages until I got to my singular note that I had taken through the evening. I readjusted my fedora once more and looked over at my counterparts.

“I know there’s more to the story, chaps. In all of the interviews that I conducted today, there was a simple conclusion that I have drawn from each of them. Something that every single one of you mentioned and yet failed to bring up when surrounded by your peers.” I stood up from the chair and showed them all my notepad with the two words:

_‘Steven’s butt.’_

“Steven’s butt!” I shouted as I once again pointed across the room towards the man in question. 

“My butt?!” Steven’s eyes widened as everyone in the room erupted with laughter. That was the best thing about my job. The tears. The laughter. The day never stopped. 

Connie and Jenny were laughing to the point in which they were both nearly crying. I had done God’s work. 

“Oh man, now you _have_ to tell her.” Sour Cream murmured under his breath. It seemed as if he too was embarrassed by whatever story that was about to be told. 

“You really want me to tell Max this story? She’s never going to live it down.” Steven’s expression dropped as he looked towards Connie for reassurance. He wasn’t going to get any there when my best friend was on my side. 

“If it’s as funny as you’re making it out to be, then no.” I shook my head. I wasn’t going to be making any promises about not pissing myself with laughter over something if it was truly that funny. 

“Steven, come on!” Connie gently shook his arm. She really was on my side with this one - I couldn’t wait. 

Steven let out a little groan before rolling his eyes in embarrassment. The rest of the band waited in anticipation for him to tell the rest of the story. 

“So, uh...after we got kicked out of the store and I fell down the escalator-” Jenny let out a loud laugh as Steven spoke. He gave her a look before continuing. “I think we went back to the motel. Once again, I have no idea how we got there.”

“I think we ordered pizza.” Buck added. 

“You always order pizza, that’s not surprising or shocking.” I rolled my eyes. 

“Then...uh...I have no idea how this happened, but we found a tattoo machine.” Steven squinted as he looked towards me, I could tell that the memory was fussy. 

“You _found_ a tattoo machine? Guys, what the hell?” I pressed my hands against my head, there was no way that this story was real. 

“Look, one moment we were in the store and the next I had a tattoo machine in my hand drawing a star on Jenny’s chest! It’s...it’s really blurry.” Steven rubbed his forehead. 

“The tattoo or your head? Hold on, you let _Steven_ give you a tattoo?” I was in complete shock as I stared at Jenny. There was no way that she was stupid enough to let Steven Universe anywhere near her with a tattoo machine. Especially somewhere such as...her chest?

“I can never show my cleavage again.” Jenny stood up as she stepped towards me, pushing her hands over the top of her low-cut shirt and pulling her boobs apart to show me the middle. 

There it was. A wonky star tattoo with a very poorly etched ‘SD’ in the middle. 

“Woah. That’s rough...” I looked up at Jenny in shock as she nodded, going back to sit down. 

If the Portland story was all about that singular tattoo, then I totally could have believed it is a horrible story. It certainly sounded like a crazy trip. I wouldn’t have wanted to be there if Steven was on the loose with a tattoo machine. I never wanted to picture that in my head, especially after seeing Jenny’s horrible tattoo.

“At least it looks like a star.” Steven shrugged. 

“If you say so.” Jenny spoke with a sing-song tone, causing me to believe that she very much did not believe that it looked anything like a star. She was correct in saying that. 

“I think I did a pretty good job on Sour Cream’s star.” Buck commented, making me come to the sudden realisation that it wasn’t just Jenny with a star. 

Sour Cream lifted his t-shirt and revealed the unholy spectacle that was the horrible supposed star shape around his belly button. 

“If you listen quietly enough, you can hear it talking.” Sour Cream pinched his stomach causing me to see a sight that I never wanted to see in my entire life. If only I could have found some bleach to pour into my eye sockets, only then would my night have been complete. 

“I hate that. I hate everything about that. Please stop.” Jenny held out her hands to block the sight of it from her vision - but it was too late. Sour Cream pulled down his t-shirt, once again, the star looked horrible. A lot worse than Steven’s attempt.

“So, you all have really poorly drawn stars somewhere on your body?” I questioned, wanting to know where this story was going to end up. I could already tell it wasn’t going to go anywhere good. 

“I have a tattoo on my right thigh that I’ll probably regret one day.” Buck quoted, I instantly got the reference, springing up off my chair once more as I pointed at him excitedly. He lifted his pants, continuing to roll them up until everyone could see the star shape that was on his thigh.

“Oh! Oh! I know this! That’s in a _Front Bottoms_ song!” I knew that I had guessed correctly when Buck nodded with confidence. It was cool knowing things. 

“At least Buck’s star looks like a star. I’m a pretty good artist if I do say so myself.” Jenny touched her chest as she gloated about her ability to draw stars. Despite hers being the best, it still wasn’t the most accurate star that I had ever seen. 

“I’d say the one I gave Steven looks like a star too.” Sour Cream shrugged.

“It doesn’t.” Steven chewed his bottom lip. 

Two wires inside of my mind slowly connected as I realised what everything finally meant. It all made sense! I began to laugh at the thought. 

“No way! There’s no way this means what I think it means!” I held onto either side of the front of the chair and giggled to myself, realising that everyone else in the room had discovered that I had solved the mystery of Portland. 

I finally knew the full story. Why it was so embarrassing for them all. Why whenever Steven and Connie were together on the first tour they always brought it up - they thought they were going to be robbed by someone that Steven had slept with! They thought we were going to rob then and then drug them! They were scared that Connie and I were going to be the ones to send them on a day-long bender throughout whatever city we were in at the time. 

Most of all...I had finally found out the most important thing. 

“She’s got it.” Buck smiled, he had found this whole situation just as hilarious as everyone else. 

“T-the tattoo...you have a star tattoo...on your _ass_!” I pointed at Steven between bouts of laughter, unable to process the idea that my best friend’s boyfriend had a poorly drawn tattoo of a star on his ass. 

What a glorious day. 

“Come on, Steven. You’ve got to show it!” Jenny nudged Steven the best she could, trying to get him to fall under the pressure of his peers surrounding him. 

As much as I wasn’t looking forward to seeing one of Steven’s asscheeks, I was incredibly excited to see something that I would have loved to have brought up every single time it was mildly appropriate. Well, I couldn’t make any promises on that. It would have been hard not to have referenced something so funny. It would have been the best thing imaginable to have the ability to do that with my mass amount of knowledge on his...butt. 

Steven sighed heavily, knowing that he wasn’t going to receive any kind of peace if he didn’t drop his pants enough for everyone to laugh at the horrible tattoo. 

I watched him stand up and turn around, Connie was staring up at him and shaking her head with a smile. I knew that deep down she was experiencing some kind of secondhand embarrassment from everything that was going on - but it was a story that she had heard before. How had she not told me about the tattoo on his ass when they had first met? I only assumed that she never had the chance. 

That’s the kind of opportunity of knowledge that only comes up once in a lifetime. 

I heard the clink of Steven’s belt buckle as everyone waited in anticipation for him to have dropped his pants. I couldn’t help but wonder that it probably wasn’t the first time that he had dropped his pants in front of a group of people. It probably wouldn’t have been the last either. 

He made sure to keep the front of his pants pulled up as he slowly revealed the horrible looking star that was situated on his right ass cheek. I looked at it for a little longer than I thought I would have, unable to look away at what could have possibly been the worst attempt at a star I had ever seen in my entire life. 

It kind of looked like-

“Why does it look like someone ran it over? It looks like the crime scene outline for a fucking raccoon!” I howled, causing everyone else to burst out laughing along with my joke.

Steven quickly pulled up his pants and turned around, not even bothering to remain standing to do his belt buckle back up. It looked like his face was turning red, but he folded over his arms. I imagined that he would have been a good sport about it, considering everyone in the band had a horrible tattoo too. 

It was way beyond me as to why he had requested it on his butt. 

“I just...I wanted it somewhere I couldn’t see it! I didn’t want anyone else to see it either!” Steven spoke in a quick, embarrassed tone. I knew that by the way that the star was drawn, they were still completely out of their mind. I had seen Sour Cream’s art before and he wasn’t a bad artist in the slightest, although, apparently he couldn’t tattoo stars…

“It’s...not that...bad.” Connie attempted to console him, lying straight through her teeth. 

“Oh, it’s _bad_.” I corrected, receiving nothing but a scowl from Connie. She loved me. 

“Well, I thought it was a pretty good star.” Sour Cream folded over his arms in his own defence. Once again, I was unsure why they would have let each other anywhere near another person’s skin with a tattoo machine.

I knew that I was stupid sometimes, but there was no way that some of my closest friends were truly _that_ stupid. It turned out...they were. 

“It’s not a good star.” Jenny made sure that Sour Cream was fully aware of his star drawing ability. Hopefully, that way he would never do it again if the opportunity came up...for some reason. 

“None of them are good stars!” I shouted at all of them, making sure that they all felt bad for their past actions. I was in shock as to how stupid they had all been with their bodies. I didn’t think that they would have gone that far as to get super high and tattoo each other. 

They weren’t even cool tattoos! They were super lame. 

I still couldn’t quite believe that I had just found out that Steven Universe had a poorly drawn tattoo of a star that looked like roadkill on his right ass cheek. There was one point in my life where this man was one of my biggest inspirations and now I would never have been able to look at him in the same way. 

I was surprised that none of them had gotten some kind of blood disease from whatever it was they did. 

“So..that’s it? That’s Portland? You got high, got robbed, went around Portland off your tits and then gave each other _Tetris_?” I squinted at them all as I counted the situations on my fingers. 

“It’s tetanus.” Buck ignored everything I was saying to focus on one minor detail. 

“Fuck you! It’s whatever I say it is!” I shouted back. 

“Yeah, that’s it. That’s Portland.” Sour Cream sighed, as dramatic as they had made it sound time and time again - it sounded like an average Saturday night for a midwestern emo band. 

That was punk as fuck. 

“So, the joke the whole time was that Connie and I were going to drug and rob you?” I believe I solved the case of Portland, continuing to dig into the lore of the last tour we were on. I needed to understand the jokes. 

“I think so...yeah.” Sour Cream nodded, considering he was the one who remembered the least it was surprising to me that he was the one who made the most amount of Portland jokes whenever we were together. 

“Why would we rob you? We knew that you were all poor as fuck. Did you think we were stupid or something?” I laughed, finding humour in the situation. 

“N-no, we didn’t think that!” Steven shook his head rapidly, clearly not wanting to upset Connie. He was always on his best behaviour. 

Simp. 

“Okay, good. Well, that was incredibly anti-climactic. Are you sure that’s it? Is there nothing more to this story? What are the readers going to think?” I continued to ask them questions on the subject. The last thing I wanted to do was to disappoint them. 

“That’s it.” Jenny held her hands out in front of her, showing that there was nothing left to give on the subject. That was everything they had. 

“Oh. Well, in that case - I solved the mystery!” I stood upon the creaky chair and punched my fist into the air. 

Fuck yeah! We did it!

“Well done, Max!” Connie grinned as she gave me a well-deserved clap. Everyone followed her lead, making sure that my fedora was appreciated with claps and small cheers. 

As my case came to its close, I realised that things would be different now that I knew what had happened to my favourite band and closest friends on the day that they truly wished to have forgotten. I now knew that Steven Universe had a tattoo of a star on his right ass cheek. 

Today was a good day. 

Life was tough working on the front line as a detective. Coffee was the thing that fuelled me as I battled my way through making sure that I tracked down the clues and solved the mystery. Scooby-Doo would have been quaking in the path that I left for others to follow in my footsteps. 

Some great people tried to solve the mystery before me, yet all of them had failed. I was the true one to have solved the case…

“Hey, where did your hat go?” Connie questioned as we both sat outside the back of the venue, sitting down on the steps leading up to the fire exit. It was nice and cool outside in comparison to where Star Destroyers had just played a show. 

“Oh. I lost it in the mosh pit. Ten dollars well spent.” I grinned. My work today was done, I had switched over to my civilian clothes. The same clothes I was wearing earlier - minus the hat. 

“At least you solved the mystery!” 

“Hell yeah! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about Portland, bro. That’s weak.” 

“It’s not my story to tell…”

“Sure, but you could have at least mentioned the butt tattoo!” I clenched my fists together, a little frustrated that she never trusted her best friend enough to share that kind of information with me. To be fair, it was information about Steven. Perhaps I was prying too hard?

“I wasn’t going to mention that. No way! It’s...let’s just say that he manages to hide it very well.” Connie chuckled to herself.

“Oh really? Huh. Never saw him as the type to have an ass tattoo.” I stared out into the parking lot. 

“Regardless, I think he has a pretty cute butt.” 

“I hate you. I actually hate you. Why would you say that to me?” I immediately turned towards Connie as I spoke. That was the last thing I needed to hear. Either way, it made her giggle. 

“Because I feel I need to defend him after you spent the whole evening mocking his poor choices!”

“Well, they are pretty poor choices.”

“I know, I didn’t exactly help - did I? I should probably go and apologize…” Connie sighed as she looked away from me, somewhat deflated over the fact she may have hurt Steven’s feelings. I didn’t suspect that to be the case for a second. 

“I’ll try not to judge him too much for it. I am going to judge him from falling on the escalator though. I bet there’s CCTV footage of it somewhere!” I gasped, clutching onto my knees in excitement. I had to find that footage! We had to go to _Ikea_!

“Oh, you’re right! Okay, that would be pretty funny.” Connie sniggered, despite me knowing that she was probably feeling guilty about it on the inside. 

I adjusted my imaginary hat and collar as we sat side by side on the steps. I took in a deep breath and tried my hardest to put on a British accent. 

“Good job, Watson - we cracked the case! Portland is nothing but an open book now. With Steven’s butt out of the way, I think it’s time for us to eat some tea and sip some biscuits!” 

“We don’t have any tea or biscuits…”

I looked down at the floor with a sad expression before perking up as I had another excellent idea. 

“Oh, shit...well...want to get pizza instead?” 

“Yeah, sounds like a plan. Let’s go and ask the guys what they want.” Connie agreed as she stood up, holding out her hand for me to grab. I kindly accepted the offer, allowing her to help me stand up straight. 

“If Steven orders ham and pineapple again - I’m calling the police.” 

“That’s fair.” 

It had been a long day, attempting to solve a mystery that only I could be the one to solve. As much as the resolution wasn’t perhaps as big and scandalous and I first thought, it was a result nonetheless. 

Stephen Space-Wolf would have been pleased with my report on the subject matter. 

There was only so much that one person could solve. 

Maybe finding out about the Portland story had ruined all of the crazy theories I had inside of my mind? 

Maybe I should have stopped asking about it? 

Maybe it was better if I didn’t know at all?

Maybe the real Portland was the friends we made along the way?

Oh, but I did get to see Steven’s right ass cheek - did I mention that? Funniest shit I’ve ever seen in my entire life! 

I guess it was worth it.

Right. Connie's going to murder me in my sleep if I'm in the kitchen past midnight. I have to go. 

Detective Max Kayori signing off! 

_Peace out, suckas!_

_For your own viewing pleasure (without having to see what they look like on skin - thank god):_

**Author's Note:**

> So...that's it - that's Portland. 
> 
> Now, you know.
> 
> Do what you will with this information.
> 
> Star Destroyers 3 coming November 30th...


End file.
